Happy Birthday, Ian Plimer!
BIRTHDAY SPEECH FOR IAN
Today is a very special day. Our bravely patriotic Aussie and dear friend, the exceptional Ian Plimer’s birthday.
This is for Ian, our friend and dazzling rockstar.
I think Ian was born on a Wednesday, less than a few thousand years ago, in the middle of a beautiful Warming Period, the sun making sure vegetation grew abundantly, that harmless gas carbon dioxide flourished, in an era geologists now refer to as the Plimer Maximum. This was a period when Australia was a very ancient continent, and later day archeologists and geos have dug up the remains of geological hammers, old billy cans, tins of FourX, and other such remnants of a distant era, that wonderful era true to common sense! The evidence clearly shows that a highly developed paleolithic society of hard working pioneers, farmers, miners, builders and beer drinkers thrived on this continent hundreds of years ago. The latest findings suggest human beings had advanced to such a degree that they were already digging up coal and iron ore and turning it into such extraordinary things as knives and forks, hospitals, automobiles, bridges, apartments, factories, and amazing sports centres for latter day Aussie swimmers and Olympians to train and make Australia proud.
Sadly, the knowledge that was passed down from generation to generation has now been lost in the mists of propaganda and miseducation, but there are still a few descendants of the original Ancient Plimerians who are battling for Australians every day, so they don’t have to go back to the difficulties and crises of cave life. There are many of these ancient Plimerians believed to exist deep in the caves and underground cellars beneath Ian’s discovery that prolonged the life of Broken Hill , where they eke out their existence on sumptuous 2GR Wagyu steaks and the finest bottles of Bannister milk.
But just before we toast, on this auspicious day, I have also received numerous telegrams from Ian’s vast and extensive group of friends and fans , courtesy of the beloved Rowan Dean! Who wish me to pass on their best wishes. I shall read them out now:
Dear Ian…. As it is your birthday I was wondering if you would care to join me at a luxury resort in Fiji to celebrate, on taxpayers expense of course… I have booked several carbon-neutral villas at a cost of around 4.2 million dollars, but unfortunately, I have asked every taxpayer and nobody is turning up to join me, so I was hoping you might come along. Your confused fan Chris Casanova Bowen
And from the Prime Minister, currently,
Dear Ian… Hi mate, for your birthday I’ve organised ……, ohhh , well, this message looks like it should be private, or maybe censored…
Your tax spending pm, Albo.
And now from a devoted Outsiders viewer:
Dear Ian… although I am technically blind in both eyes, every time I hear your dulcet tones on that brilliant show the Outsiders I immediately picture a dashing young, handsome, strapping Outback lad with bulging biceps, jet black hair, piercing blue eyes, and a wicked way with the ladies. I just wanted to wish you a very happy birthday… and to let you know I’m available. Are you of a legal age yet?
Dierdre Kafoops, Yeppoon.
And from the billionaire champion at achieving taxpayer subsidies:
Dear Ian… hi birthday mate! I’ve just had this brainstorm! How about we invent Pink Hydrogen instead of Green Hydrogen? We can market it as Net Zero!
We’ll make a fortune! Need a scientist to back, so we can get a few million in subsidies from that fool Bowen! Yours, Twiggy.
And from Aussies true blue mate
Dear Ian… I’d love to take you out to lunch to celebrate your birthday in style but last time I took you out for lunch you drank 7,463 bottles of beer in just under 90 minutes and I’m still paying off the loan. Yours in penury Rowan.
Now, please stand, and join me in a toast, a toast to Ian Plimer who has dazzled our country for all his adult years, encouraging both insults and fear from the uni academia who had their snouts in fact swaying troughs, tackling where no man dares to go, the crazies in the media, that is, definitely outside of the brilliant Outsiders and Rita Panahi who belong to that wonderful era of common sense. Aussies extraordinary rock star, has made outstanding contributions to geology, science and to our country, and who his friends have found to be genuine, loyal, trustworthy, honest, hardworking, reasoned, full of common sense, rather upsettingly brilliant, some of us dread the question, “have u read all of my books!”, great company, superbly patriotic, a great defender of our country, and all the other qualities that make Ian, the very best gentleman alive in Australia.
Please, raise your glasses to one of my best Aussie friends, Ian Plimer.
Thank u.
